Trying to keep a personal blog more professional is really hard for me. Mostly because I babble a lot. Hopefully, out of the three whole people who read this, at least two of you don’t mind reading as I ramble on about how weird it is to be stuck between what feels like being an amateur and struggling to be a professional. Half the time I’m not even sure if what I’m doing is what I want to be doing. It’s all extremely confusing. Finding “myself as an artist” and all that cheese.
OK, so I have come upon an interesting discovery. Suddenly…I hate drawing manga. I hate drawing, in general, because manga is what I draw. Or, what I drew. I haven’t drawn a successful character design in about two months. I draw something, stare at it and then just hate it. Not because I don’t think I drew it well, I just hate the result of the style. And when I say “hate” I mean “ew, this is disgusting ball it up and throw it in the trash” hatred. Hatred the same way I hated the Vista GUI– no real, tangible reason, I just hated it. I’m jaded, I guess. It’s weird. In any case, I really can’t find a reason behind it no matter how deeply I think about it. Maybe it’s time for some serious introspection. Hey, that’s what this blog is for…
OK, so I’m not really sure from where to start. Do I focus on my own art progress and how it’s changing, my lifestyle and how it’s changing or my tastes and how they seem to be changing? I feel like all three of these things make some sort of circle of confusion that I’m somehow trapped in, artistically. My art progress is changing because my tastes are changing, my taste must be changing because my lifestyle has changed and my lifestyle may have possibly changed because my tastes and my art are changing. Yikes. I’m totally confused now. Perhaps I should start with the one I’m most familiar with: My Lifestyle.
My Lifestyle is pretty typical for a college student. I’m poor, out-of-work, busy with school and trying to keep a social life online and offline without losing too many hours of sleep. I don’t eat enough, but I need to eat more than I do. I struggle to keep my stomach full and my body functioning at around 80% at all times, though sometimes I drop into more of the 50’s or 60’s. I have multiple, non-life threatening, health problems that make my life somewhat complicated. Another circle of confusion. Acid reflux > Over-active metabolism > Hypoglycemia. I have a highly restricted diet, an inability to eat large amounts of food and a need to eat almost constantly. Add to that the fact that I’m a poor college student and you have a fairly good chance of me getting sick pretty often. (So far, so good, but it’s not even Winter yet.) Basically, besides the normal things most people my age have to deal with, I have a few extra things to keep me on my toes. I try not to worry over my health too much, but it is important. Most of my current lifestyle is based around keeping myself healthy. Eating as much as possible, as healthy as possible and as often as possible, and napping as much as I can without destroying my school schedule completely.
So, in short, my “new” current lifestyle doesn’t allow me a lot of free-time because whatever time I have that I’m not at school I’m eating or sleeping or trying to relax. Perhaps this is why I rarely do any artwork outside of what I need to get done for school? I’m not so sure, since I have plenty of time to sketch when I relax I just never feel the urge to do so anymore. I’d rather read or watch TV or organize something. Maybe I’m just tired of drawing? I’ve done it pretty much non-stop for 18 years. It used to be just as normal and necessary as breathing, but now it’s more of an annoyance. When I have to draw something for class it’s like “oh, I have a chance to learn something/test my skills/practice” but when it’s sketching for fun it’s like “eh, I really don’t feel like drawing anything”.
I’m getting sleepy writing this, which probably means I should eat, so I’ll save the rest of this for another entry.